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Cyberspacia-- "How to stop the current epidemic of Self-Abuse in America?" asks the web site of Americans for Purity, posing a question about a crisis you've likely neglected to consider. The answer? "We need the same tactics and the same kind of get-tough attitude that has been so successful in the War On Drugs!" Americans for Purity goes on to examine the eight greatest myths about masturbation (Myth Number Five: "masturbation is a victimless crime") and offers a plan for action that would warm the cockles of any drug czar's heart-- mandatory urine tests for all unmarried men to make sure unshot, unmasturbated sperms are getting released (thank goodness Vermont homosexuals could win exemption!). But that's not all. "If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced," quoth American for Purity, "we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to masturbate." Get yourself into a lather about onanism, and browse to geocities.com/CapitolHill/Senate/2680/.