Speaking Out (of his mind!)	Speaking Out Archive

Often while I'm having breakfast I like to mull over some of the more memorable moments from the previous night's TV viewing. There is a particular commercial that comes on from time to time that always gives me pause. It's the one about Negroes that ends with the observation that it's a terrible thing to waste a human mind. And although I personally am 100 percent white, I can still identify with the concern. It's especially important in the realm of dating to use our brains. How often have you spent a miserable evening with someone that may have been your sexual or physical ideal but who lacked a compatible mindset on many of the day's more pressing issues?

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n the interest of preventing such terrible mismatches I devised a simple test for intellectual compatibility. I know that it works too, because I tested it on the most compatible couple I know, Dynette Sett and Margene Lurkapoodis, who scored a perfect ten. It also works the other way. I tried it on this super scuzball loser who thinks he is so smart just because he lost 30 pounds on the grapefruit fatburner plan, and he and I didn't have any answers the same. In fact, he even tried to discount the significance of this revealing result by telling me he thought the whole test was stupid! Who is he trying to kid?

The important thing to remember is that there are no really right or wrong answers per se, only right and wrong answers from the point of view of discovering mutual compatibility.

So please, do yourself a favor. The next time you're considering going out with someone, ask the individual a few of the following questions first. You may just be saving yourself a great deal of heartache.

1. Laugh and the world laughs with you: cry and you cry alone. Bearing this truth in mind, which of the following couples has provided you with the most laughter during your adult life:
A) Bud Abbot and Lou Costello
B) Nancy and Aunt Fritzi
C) Helen Keller and Anne Sullivan
D) Kathryn and Arthur Murray.

2. Our government is currently spending far too little in the fight against A) Pornography B) Obesity C) Dutch Elm's Disease D) Human Greed.

3. I would probably enjoy eating diet foods a lot more if they all weren't so A) Greasy B) Expensive C) Spicy D) Difficult to serve.

4. Pigs are vermin. True or False?

5. Julie Andrews is most commonly associated with which "L" word A) Lumber B) Linoleum C) Luncheonette D) Liickspittle.

6. Rank the following in order of importance A) Betty Crocker B) Pinocchio C) Casper Weinberger D) Ziplock Sandwich Bags.

7. Diarrhea is frequently a symptom of mental retardation. True or false?

8. Which of the following is responsible for causing the greatest human misery A) Flatulence B) Leo Buscaglia C) Call Waiting D) Lust.

9. I am most apt to refer to a wiener as A) A Frankfurter B) A Hot Dog C) A Tube Steak D) A Piece of Shit.

10. The phrase "Baby, let the good times roll," most strongly suggests A) Arthur Fiedler B) Howard Cosell C) Frank Purdue D) Art Linkletter.