Common Sense	Common Sense Archive

One of my closest friends and I were chatting about sex. Yes, I know: where's the headline? It came to pass in the conversation that my friend told me he had no sexual fantasies whatsoever and never had.

I have known this man for 15 years, and it just goes to show that you just never know. I queried him on this. No sexual fantasies at all? It seemed to be incomprehensible. I had always assumed gay men were stuffed full of sexual fantasies. I know I am. Sexual fantasizing has been an essential part of my life and certainly my gay identity. And sexual fantasizing began at a very early age.

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I recently met a boot fetishist in some cyber-area. We chatted. I asked him to call me and he did, and we had a pleasant talk. He's in his 50s, owns a collection of over 300 pairs of boots-- my sense of all this is that the bootmen are the most particularized of the fetishists, but I am always willing to be proved wrong-- and we talked about our sexual fantasies.

I asked him when was his earliest recollection of liking boots. He said: "I was aged four." He asked after my fantasies, and I said: "Certainly no later than four or five years of age." What does this tell us? That sexual fantasies are hard-wired? You get what you are born with? For some, I suspect this is true. My boot friend said he has never been interested in anything else. Just the boots. I try to be ecumenical. Most of my sexual fantasies involve very masculine male scenes-- cops, soldiers, really, rather run-of-the-mill gay imaginings-- but, since I grew up an exhibitionist, I always thought one should be open-minded, try new things, maybe something will open new sexual avenues and, just maybe, bring satisfaction.

The point being: I have occasionally tried to sexually fantasize myself as a beautiful transvestite, some really pretty guy in gorgeous drag, from panties to handbag, an icon that gets the men all horny and ready to pop their dicks out. Trouble is: as good as I can imagine it all, the puzzle doesn't fit. When I was younger, I went out in drag on occasions. Riding home in a taxi one night, the handsome cab driver looked back at me and said: "Why does a cute guy like you want to get up in women's clothes?" It must have been two in the morning, and I a bit soused, but an appropriate answer was expected. I said: "It was a wild party and I was the joke entertainment. No one got the joke." He smiled and understood. Men seem to understand that. Straight men love transvestitism, whereas teen boys, all mixed up with their own fantasies, are very unnerved by a gorgeous male transvestite. Why is that? I came to realize that I had to return to the realm of the masculine fantasies. (The late Warhol SuperStar, Jackie Curtis, when he gave up the drag, was asked why. He said: "It's hard work to be a woman!") But I get A for Effort!

Are sexual fantasies hard wired into tots? Or are the gay tots picking up on specific cultural emblems present in the adults of their generation? Do gay baby-boomers have a different set of sexual fantasies than do the Gen Xers and the Gen Yers? How does the SM/BD/DS culture so successfully recreate itself with each new generation? Where does each gay man's grid of sexual fantasies come from?

How has culture, in all its aspects, developed sexual fantasies? Does Nature vs. Nurture come into play? I learned from the 70s that if you give people the chance to perform, they will. Opportunity encourages imagination, but I think the imaginative impulse must be there. So many religions are based on humiliation and degradation, it's easy to understand the segue into sexual behaviors. Think of the rock groups that appeal to teenaged boys. What sexual fantasies are triggered? Think of Alice Cooper. Ozzie Ozborne. When Eminem goes on his homophobic jags in front of all the teen boys, what sexual fantasies, like piano keys, are being played? The boys, of course, are obsessed/fascinated with homosexuality, as any healthy teen boy is. Is Eminem simply using this occasion of having all these horny, sweaty teens in a room, getting off on him and each other, and "validating" it with the safe gesture of attacking faggots? There is that phrase: "I think the lady doth protest too much." Or sing. If that's what he does.

Do the gay men have a higher level of sexual fantasizing than their straight brethren? Excluding the lone exception of my friend, I am inclined to think: yes we do. It comes from the fact of exclusion, that we are outside the mainstream, bless the goddess! If you have an oppositional relationship to the majority culture, I think the sod is richer for the sexual flowerings. In gay life, the overtness of the leather culture, for example, is I think far more developed and distinct than any comparable leather set in hetro life. Again, I am willing to be proved wrong. There is a point to being queer. Perhaps many. Having a developed and active sexual fantasy life-- and some even operational-- would be a main feature.

I have exercised my sexual fantasies on occasions. And still do. I just have one large concern with having such an active sexual fantasy life-- the financing!

Author Profile:  Mitzel
	Mitzel was a founding member of the Fag Rag collective, and has been a Guide columnist since 1986. He manages Calamus Books near Boston's South Station.
	Email:	mitzel@calamusbooks.com
	Website:	calamusbooks.com