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"The lesbian and gay movement has long trailblazed new frontiers in the struggle for freedom and dignity for all," declared NGLTF's Executive Director Matt Formen at an April 1 press conference, announcing the launch of a program to embed radio-tracked "PrideChips" in LGBT Americans.

"We've always said 'Stand up and be counted'­ whether it's marching on Washington, choosing a brand of designer water, or going solo backpacking in the remote Sierra Nevada," Formen remarked, noting that "chipped" LGBT Americans would be counted so often, it'll be like getting counted twice.

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Actually, with a clockspeed of 1.3 gigahertz, the PrideChip will check-up on implantees more than 1,000 times a second, continually uplinking data to Lockheed's recently launched GayStar global satellite system. The result? Real-time tracking of the geo-spatial position and pulse-rates of lesbian and gay Americans, to an accuracy of one square foot and one beat-per-minute.

Oddly enough, the PrideChip was first developed by the Metropolitan Community Church under terms of a faith-based grant from the Department of Homeland Security. But with NGLTF's recent takeover of the gay denomination, "Project PrideChip" has merged into the NGLTF's "Marriage Project"-- a strategic move welcomed by Wall Street after HRC shares vastly outperformed NGLTF options last year. Part of the reason was the HRC's $170 million contract with the CIA to foment a "Lavender" revolution in Iran­ the next in the scheduled "color" revolutions in Central Asia. As well, the HRC was picked to organize the "Decenium March" in Baghdad in 2013, celebrating the 10th year of the America's Iraqi adventure.

The pride's inside

About the size of a Tylenol caplet, PrideChips are designed to be implanted into the calves, buttocks, or any other dense, fleshy part of the anatomy. "I'm having my PrideChip inserted directly into in my brain," NGLTF spokesman Suzanne Hide reveals to The Guide. It's not quite by-the-book, but other lesbians are incorporating the PrideChip into their body-modification regimes, securing them with regulation titanium ringlets through tongues, nostrils­ or even wearing them Prince-Albert style.

While Formen emphasized that the PrideChip implant is­ for now­ strictly voluntary, under NGLTF's agreement with Homeland Security, the radio tags are scheduled to become mandatory by 2010 for same-sex Americans seeking registered partnerships, coverage under Federal hate-crimes statutes, and eligibility for the US Army's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" program.

But even as a non-voluntary option, the PrideChip brings big benefits, Formen explains. "PrideChips build strong, responsible gay and lesbian marriages by securing a context of verified trust and commitment." For instance, Formen notes, "if on an evening he says that he had to 'work late at the office' your husband's PrideChip shows him lingering at the coordinates corresponding to a Club Baths location, where his pulse rate cycles up to 120 beats a minute­ let's just say that that tells you something."

For just $12.95, the NGLTF will release spousal PrideChip data to registered domestic partners for any 24-hour period. The fee is waived in the case of law-enforcement agencies.

Better products through living

But perhaps most valuable, experts say, is the marketing data PrideChips will generate. Though each chip will cost NGLTF more than an iPod Nano, the Task Force is giving them away without charge to users, who pay only $19.95 for the free installation. The NGLTF says their innovative program will literally "pay for itself" as marketers sign lucrative contracts with the rights group to discover what brands and products "quicken the LGBT pulse"-- and over which displays of yogurt or toilet tissue LGBT consumers linger at the supermarket.

"Getting 'chipped' isn't just about security and convenience," Formen notes. "It's an investment in our community's satisfaction. Down the road, it means more products with the color-coordination, the form-factors, and the mouthfeel that GLBT consumers prefer."

Predictably, some gay extremists find the chips fishy. The Idaho Homophile Posse (IHoP) protested a NGLTF "Pancakes 'n' Pride" fundraising dinner in Boise on April 2. The angry Idahoans chanted "Chips for Potatoes, Not for People," interrupting the bestowing of the NGLTF's annual Freedom Prize upon Dinah Redwing, Colorado's first lesbian dogcatcher of color.

An unnamed NGLTF staffer at the dinner, speaking on condition of anonymity, granted that the PrideChip "may seem creepy and totalitarian." But, NGLTF spokesman Suzanne Hide continued, "we've discovered that we're entirely comfortable with the fact that Walt Whitman or Leonardo DaVinci or Alan Turing would be, if alive today, electronically tracked for life­ presuming they were ever released from prison or lifetime civil-commitment for offering a blow job to a willing teenager."

"Once we realized that 'creepy' and 'totalitarian' isn't a problem for us anymore," Hide goes on, "the residuals we'll be skimming from the PrideChip revenue-stream just seemed irresistible."