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Celebrating gay affection in Gradomet

Further Reading
Useful Words & Phrases for Visitors to Monda Behinou
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"Come and be seen!" cajoles the slogan of the Bourou Blunchou, the National Tourist Office of Monda Behinou, in ads, brochures, and promotional trailers distributed worldwide. In ever-increasing numbers, gay travelers are answering that call. With its off-beat nightlife, steaming mud pits, world-renowned Onion Festival, fine cuisine, unique atmosphere of total surveillance, and hot men with approachable elbows, tiny Monda Behinou is fast becoming the favored destination of peripatetic gay men who are tired of everywhere else.

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At 6.6 square miles, Monda Behinou, whose name means "World As It Should Be," is roughly the size of Teaneck, New Jersey. Under the zestful micromanagement of Leader-for-Life Gegbar Hakipoutch, this unparalleled political entity has the distinction of being the only city-state on earth to be modeled on the Panopticon, the circular prison environment proposed by 18th-century utilitarian philosopher Jeremy Bentham. This unique design was intended to keep the inmate population under surveillance at all times, and in Monda Behinou, the city wraps around a central fortress, Gradomet, from whose parapets guards keep watch in shifts around the clock. In the streets, parks, mercantile districts, and homes throughout the surrounding area, surveillance cameras abound, and police armed with nine-pronged sticks patrol constantly.

While some visitors may find the fishbowl atmosphere of Monda Behinou somewhat off-putting, the locals cultivate an infectious enjoyment of their lack of privacy. In a land where openness is a virtue, there is indeed a lot to be seen. Unjustly accused of prudishness and authoritarianism by casual observers, the Monda Behinish have no difficulty reconciling a penchant for law and order with a lively interest in bodily functions and sex. For Americans, Republicans especially, Monda Behinish culture deeply resonates.

Communicating with the people of Monda Behinou is easier than ever before. Phrasebooks are now widely available. Courses in Monda Behinish are becoming an option at Berlitz and other accredited language schools. In Monda Behinou, state-sponsored English courses have familiarized hundreds of tourist-industry personnel with such phrases as "Please wash your genitals" and "Give me your money."

When you're not being guided through historic Gradomet, poring over the Surveillance Archives, attending a wekabouna tournament, or visiting the Onion Museum, you'll want to take advantage of the many attractions Monda Behinou offers gay visitors.

Since April 1 is Monda Behinou's principal national holiday, Squepdansha Yougaho (the Leader's Birthday), now is the time to make travel plans.

Going out

Gegbar (43 Strouna Humbota; 33-44-22) caters to fans of Monda Behinish techno-pop, who pile onto the small but busy dance floor every night between 8 pm and 2 am. Deejay Woktiko "Oingou" Boungouma plays favorites like "Plouvata Youmpou Mounou (Spit on My Elbow)" by Goumarama. On Sundays at 2 pm, the gay dance troupe Pouftabouna demonstrates variations on the Stoumpata Goumi, or Onion Dance, the national folk dance of Monda Behinou.

The focus at Shlempo Youmpou (Elbow Grease, 451 Boulevouna Hakipoutch, 29-97-83) is on the eroticized elbow. Shlempo Youmpou offers an unbeatably literal opportunity to rub elbows with Monda Behinish hunks. For a fee, acclaimed elbow cosmetician Yagma Gegdouni offers elbow makeovers nightly. Live joint-licking demonstrations are offered at 10 pm and 1 am. There is ample free parking.

With its strong international flavor, Oink Boy (561 Strouna Wekabouna, 20-19-72) is an excellent place for tourists and locals to connect. All garments worn below the waist must be checked at the door. Action in the three brightly lit playrooms continues around the clock, peaking at 3 am, one hour after most other establishments have closed. Oink Boy's annual party on Dansha Fougegglouni (the Day of the Insane, April 15) is legendary. During the first eight days of August, this is headquarters for Yakadansh Phallouni (Penis Week).

Roupou Scatou (the Shit Hole, 25 Strouna Lumpouto, 33-24-36) offers a relaxed atmosphere in a comfortable basement setting. The management provides boots to protect your shoes from the mud and other matter that covers the floor. On Thursdays, popular entertainer Pipti Wegdouna performs at 10 pm Wednesday is Onion Night.

Other nightspots catering to a gay or mixed clientele include Wank! (51F Strouna Rouboubidou, 34-55-62), where you're encouraged to do just that; Boumbagoumbi (78 Strouna Lumpouto, 23-18-65), popular with Monda Behinish cross-dressers; Roulabouli (23 Strouna Youmpouna, 24-55-13), Monda Behinou's famed roller disco; and, just around the corner from Shlempo Youmpou, the impishly sensual Ribadella Violina (the Lavender Sash, 14A Strouna Twagourina, 27-31-20).

Dining

Pletou Goumi (the Onion Trough, 412 Strouna Wekabouna, 32-19-45) is open around the clock and popular with the after-disco crowd. Be sure to sample pastry chef Youmagou Lapoufta's delectably flaky version of flepgouma (onion pie), the Monda Behinish national dish. Ample parking is available nearby.

Goumouria Mamou Goumajoumi (Mama Goumajoumi's House of Onions, 818 Strouna Wekabouna, 56-11-33) continues to thrive after three decades. On Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, Mamou Goumajoumi personally greets patrons and escorts them to their tables. The menu boasts an astonishing number of home-cooked traditional dishes that will tantalize your palate. The exceptional wine list stresses an array of locally produced onion varietals carefully chosen by Mamou Goumajoumi herself. Known for its hospitality to foreign visitors, Mamou Goumajoumi's is a popular destination for tourists and Monda Behinians alike.

At Monda Glouk (Cheese World, 312 Strouna Zubgouma, 26-18-22), the accent is on cheese. Monda Glouk has the finest selection of sheep's milk cheeses you'll find anywhere, many of them treated with mold spores unique to Monda Behinou. Reservations are recommended, particularly during the third week in May, which the Monda Behinish government has designated Yakdansha Glouk (Cheese Week).

Youblayut (756 Strouna Wekabouna, 36-14-55) specializes in lighter fare and offers many variants of the yogurt-based national drink. We recommend ordering a wegli- youblayut with a dash of onion brandy- or the non-alcoholic shnidloutchi- youblayut with Worcestershire and just a hint of Tabasco.

The charming Boulbarina (34 Strouna Youmpouna, 21-32-21) features an astonishing repertoire of turnip dishes cooked to order. Try the rutabaga mousse with bear chunks.

Lodgings

Above the reception desk in the lobby of Houstouria Richard Nixon (328 Strouna Boulbarinani, 31-56-63) you are greeted by a 20-by-30 foot mural depicting scenes from the administration of the late American President, who is much admired in Monda Behinou. Amenities include telescopes for spying on your neighbors in adjoining buildings (you can bet they'll be spying on you), and free popcorn. Every room is equipped with 450-channel surveillance television. This establishment is conveniently located steps away from Zezzabar's House of Pain (see below).

New this year, the rustic Yourtouna Rousa (Pink Tent, 564 Strouna Wekabouna, 31-32-44) gives adventurous visitors a rare chance to experience total immersion in traditional Monda Behinish gay culture. Each tent contains a sleeping pad, a charcoal grill, a kilo of onions, elbow slings for four, several bricks, and a dildo. The kidney-shaped mud pit is in constant use.

At Houstouria Houstabouna (435 Strouna Skipitina, 22-56-34) nudity is mandatory throughout the premises. Clothes are confiscated in the outer lobby, and kept under lock and key for the duration of your stay. The two-acre compound boasts a vegetable garden, a wading pool, outdoor communal showers, a wekabouna court, and a perennially popular mud pit. If you wish to stay here during the annual Oupahee Goumi (Onion Festival, July 15-31), it's wise to book your cabin a year in advance.

Yougahoutch (1613 Strouna Wekahoumaho, 34-45-32) provides ample parking.

Getting physical

Pletou Yaumou (the Flesh Trough, 622 Boulevouna Annina Bouna,28-14-67) is one of Monda Behinou's most popular sex clubs. This establishment is constantly open except on Squepdansha Yougaho, and between the hours of 7 and 9 every Thursday morning, when the floors are hosed off. It features slings, bondage equipment, and an active mud pit. Gardening tools are available for a fee.

Boublahoutch (the Mud Hut, 673 Strouna Wekabouna; 25-78-19) boasts mud pits galore, both hot and cold. Four dozen mini-pits provide intimate mud environments for two. Proprietor Degobar Shnounitou serves complimentary youblayut at the reception desk.

At Banouni Goumi, the municipal onion baths (349 Strouna Skipitina, 31-28-63), you can immerse yourself in a wide selection of onion-based mulches for hours on end. While interactive sex is discouraged by the management, this is the best possible place to watch older men masturbate.

Just down the street is Wekatouna Drouga Yipta (Madame Yipta's Spanking Tent, 389 Strouna Skipitina, 26-11-42), which offers a mixed gay and straight clientele an opportunity to be publicly humiliated. Spanking paddles are provided at the door. Patrons are encouraged to bring their own salve. No parking is available.

At Squeejeekahoutch Zezzabar (Zezzabar's House of Pain, 324 Strouna Boulbarinani, 38-27-56), Zezzabar himself teaches novices the proper use of shackles, face wrenches, buttock pumps, nipple chompers, nine-pronged sticks, and crotch tongs. At Zezzabar's, you'll come to a deep understanding of the Monda Behinish expression "Wekawek ba cigalouni"- "Go masturbate with bricks." Play parties occur nightly; call ahead for an update on dress requirements and themes.

Popular cruising areas include the turnip garden adjacent to the east wall of Gradomet; the beach along the western edge of Lake Yagobundi; and the hummock overlooking the municipal refuse dump. Having sex in these spots is strictly AYOR, but the action justifies cautious investigation. The widespread presence of stinging nettles mandates covering your legs below the knee and watching where you squat. If you've explored the cruisier corners of Monda Behinou in years past, you'll be pleased to learn that measures have been taken to mark the paths that skirt patches of quicksand, and that some of the land mines have been removed from the shores of Lake Yagobundi. As a rule, the bears you'll encounter there won't attack humans unless provoked.

Shopping

Marchou Marshou (the Flea Market in the Swamp) teems with customers starting at 5 am every Saturday. It's located 50 yards off Boulevouna Hakipoutch at the point where it meets the causeway over Lake Yagobundi. If you're in the market for a used onion juicer, or need a nine-pronged stick, this is the place.

Yabisslouna-Stouna Lagobar (Lagobar's Rock Emporium, 232 Strouna Boulbarinani; 31-16-92) is a wonderful source of crystals, mineral salts, bricks, resin chips, powdered gypsum (blended with clay for elbow makeup), and pumice stones to keep your elbows properly polished.

For those who share the Monda Behinish passion for onions, Goumaflent Okouna (Okouna's Onion Patch, 265 Strouna Subgouma; 43-87-14) is a must. This attractive boutique is run by a lesbian couple, Okouna Wegmou and Dibdi Magabangi, who offer an amazingly varied selection of onion products, including their own delectable onion jam. An impressive supply of pearl onion jewelry is replenished every three days.

Don't forget to check out Bingou Phallou (The Cockring, 625-B Boulevouna Annina Bouna; 45-16-88), handily located right across the the street from the Flesh Trough. This is a good place to purchase handmade elbow harnesses in cowhide or bearskin, onion condoms, a variety of colorfully embroidered condom pouches, and Pfouf!, the principal Monda Behinish brand of poppers.

For additional information about food, lodgings, attractions, and events, contact the Bourou Blunchou (234 Strouna Boulbarinani, second floor; 35-71-56). And be sure to drop in on the BLPTV (Bourou Lesbounani, Pouftahoni, Tweetuptouni, ou Venephalmani, which translates as Office of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered Affairs) at 391 Strouna Skipitina, right next door to Madame Yipta's Spanking Tent. Executive Director Woshtigou Soubwouf or a member of his friendly staff will be happy to answer your questions over a snifter or two of onion brandy, and to give you an expert elbow massage. "We want more people to come here where we can see them," says Soubwouf. Like the Human Rights Campaign, its American counterpart, the BLPTV is recognized throughout Monda Behinou as a political force that has helped make surveillance what it is today, and that has worked tirelessly to encourage state intervention in the lives of Monda Behinians.

Since Monda Behinou has no fixed geographical location, it is always wise to check with the nearest Monda Behinish consulate to find out where it's going to be at the time you intend to arrive. Once you've obtained a fix on its position, you'll want to go and be seen while you still know how to get there. Once you've entered the country, you'll be warmly received by M