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Goosed!: A Bisexual Fable
Rating: 2 Stars
Stable Entertainment. Produced by Grant Wood. Written and Directed by Anthony Rose. Videography by Sam Dixon. Edited by Brian Stone and Laddie Queensbury. Starring Zach Richards, Dave Nelson, Candy Apples, T.J. Hart, Tommy Cruise, Heaven Leigh, Elizabeth X, Leo DeSilver, Obsession DeMore, Anthony Cox, Ethan Starr, Bruce Hill, Wolfgang Eisenschwartz, Mistress Ilsa Strix, Mickey Skee, and Chi Chi LaRue.
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Goosed! catapults characters from old familiar nursery rhymes into lust-wracked suburban New Jersey. Embedded in this rough-hewn piece of silliness are vestiges of a play, A Current Edition by Kyle Shickner, that may or may not be as witless as director Anthony Rose's video-porn adaptation suggests. Rose's one sure stroke of inspiration is the casting of porn maestro/drag diva Chi Chi LaRue as Ms. Mother Goose ("Call me Martha"). Wearing a harlot-red bonnet scrunched over a Goldilocks fright wig, sipping wine and picking her teeth, she looks majestically demented.

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Interviewed for tabloid TV, Ms. Goose relates the story of Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater (Wolfgang Eisenschwartz) and his wife Jane (Candy Apples). Peter is a workaholic whose devotion to pumpkin eating (that's literally his profession) stunts his sex life. Jane, on the other hand, a daughter of the fecund Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe, is genetically predisposed to constant horniness.

Fed up with Peter's pumpkin-sated limpness, Jane listens through the wall to Little Boy Blue (Ethan Starr) cavorting with Jack and Mrs. Sprat (Tommy Cruise and T.J. Hart), has assignations with Jack B. Nimble (Bruce Hill), goes rub-a-dub-dub with three men in a tub (Dave Nelson, Zach Richards, and Anthony Cox), and invites Jack and Jill (Leo de Silver and Elizabeth X) in for three-way. Peter discovers his spouse's infidelity in the aftermath of a session in which Miss Muffet and Mary Contrary crawl over each other-- and him-- while he stays clothed and enervated. Later, smeared with pumpkin pulp, he exacts his revenge on Jane.

Goosed! is more authentically bisexual than many supposed bi videos, but the sex is seldom what it could have been. There are too many cuts from one static configuration to another. Performers glance at the camera and fluff lines. Candy Apples, a wiry blonde with a floral tattoo planted over each breast, is over the top in her sex scenes and amateurish when required to act. (At least it's not hard to believe she grew up in a shoe.) Press kits promoting Goosed! included nips of Gray Goose vodka, as if to discourage critics from watching it sober. Disabling your brain before slipping this twinkly number into your VCR may in fact be the best approach to getting through it.