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When Bears Attack
Rating: 3 Stars
Produced by Dan Cross. Directed by Chi Chi LaRue. Written by Jake Barnes. Videography by Brad Austin, Hue Wilde, and Adam Killian. Edited by CH. Starring Johnny Hazzard, Cole Ryder, Blake Nolan, Steve Cruz, Damien, Nick Marino, Arpad Miklos, Manuel Torres, and Mick Powers.
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Johnny Hazzard steers his snappy red pickup truck down country lanes to a house tucked away in brush-covered hills. Arriving at his destination, he feels so at one with nature, so close to the earth, that he needs to jerk off on the spot, without waiting to cross the threshold of his cabin. In short order, man-spooge scents drift into nearby woods, attracting the attention of furry brutes who come whuffling out of the undergrowth, looking for meat.

Taking the "bear" mystique somewhat literally, director Chi Chi LaRue confects the best example of bear-porn in current release. Hazzard's outdoor solo provides an hors d'oeuvre for a triple-course bruin repast.

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n possible homage to Goldilocks, these bears travel in units of three. The first group, led by Papa Bear Arpad Miklos, includes cute, bearded Nick Marino and steamy, hirsute Cole Ryder. LaRue's inspiration peaks at the start of their scene when, stopping to check out Hazzard's house and truck, they start sniffing and nuzzling one another in a show of warm-blooded ursine camaraderie. Their growly sex episode in the back of the pick-up (whose owner has finally gone inside) is the best reason to see When Bears Attack.

The title sequence, a two-part home invasion that concludes with bears dipping paws in Hazzard's semen as if it were honey, is too choppy to be everything it could have been, but the well-mixed cast of wild things is energetic and hot. The first invading trio includes solid, intense Blake Nelson, who looks like the bear who ate Timothy "Grizzly Man" Treadwell. Johnny (Other Side of the Tracks) Hazzard's tight, smooth, ink-splotched frame contrasts sharply with the hefty, hairy, muscular bodies of his visiting gang-bangers. This time he's playing a physical type, not a character, but he's seldom been better.