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Taking their hands and minds away from other pursuits, 171 Guide readers answered our survey on masturbation (November, 1998 issue). Responses came by mail and fax from Amsterdam to Sydney, Montreal to Watford City, North Dakota. All told, respondents represented four countries and 29 US states, plus Washington, DC. Survey-takers ranged in age from 19 to 80, with a median of 39 years. Just shy of half (48 percent) had masturbated that day, another 30 percent had done so the day before, and 20 percent in the past week. For 11 percent of respondents-- having shot their wad within the past hour-- the subject was fresh on their minds and maybe damp on their hands. All respondents had masturbated in the past month.

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Not just in bed

In a blimp. Up a tree. In a White House bathroom. While flying a bush plane. Inside a storm sewer. At the Louvre. In a church baptistery, a bulldozer, and a drinking-water reservoir. At the zoo in the lion house. In a K-Mart parking lot. At night standing in the middle of the road. These were a few of the places where Guide readers found the opportunity to spank the monkey. Eighty-two percent of respondents had masturbated in a car, and 77 percent at work (a few right at their desks). A 50-year-old respondent, faxing his survey from a leading Boston law school, told of masturbating in that city's Symphony Hall. Subways, buses, taxis, trucks, and trains were venues for Guide masturbators. 56 percent said they have jerked off in school, 38 percent in a library, and 22 percent at a gas station.

Should Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) spin off a MAD'M-- Mothers Against Driving Masturbators? When asked to reveal the "most unusual" place they had ever wanked, fully 12 percent of those replying volunteered that it was while driving-- in one case, on the freeway at 80 miles per hour. Another masturbating motorist recounted honking his horn at climax with every spurt of semen. Two respondents reported masturbating while piloting planes.

When queried as to the most risqué, exotic venues for their masturbation, two respondents at the other extreme answered, respectively, the basement and their bedroom.

Why bother?

We asked readers to check off boxes indicating why they wank. 91 percent agreed that horniness was a factor, 47 percent said they masturbate in part to go to sleep, 30 percent cited boredom, 23 percent said they do it because their lover is away, and 47 percent because no partner was available.

But these rational, practical explanations don't capture respondents' depth of passion. Given a hypothetical scenario, more than half (52 percent) were prepared to sacrifice their left ears to Monzonian terrorists rather than give up masturbating for the rest of their lives. In the horns of this dilemma, a 20-year-old St. Louis respondent said he would have to give up wanking, "because I'm too beautiful."

An inkling of how Guide readers value their left ears came from another question, querying the least amount of money for which respondents would settle to agree to give up masturbation for 12 months. Among those ready to bargain (20 percent refused at any price) the average bribe demanded was $1,412,230, with a median of $46,000 (one respondent demanding $100 million puffed up the average). Precision has its own beauty, and for most exactly assessing the value of a year's self-pleasure, the prize goes to a 33-year-old Tampa man, who set his minimum masturbatory ransom at $36,584.37.

The high value respondents put on masturbation is linked to the intensity of sexual pleasure they say it affords. Seventy-two percent said they were "better than anyone else" at stimulating their own dicks, with only 15 percent disagreeing. Twenty-nine percent named masturbation as the kind of sex from which they got "in general... stronger, more pleasurable orgasms"-- more than any other sexual activity. (Getting sucked came in second at 20 percent, followed by getting fucked, fucking, and being masturbated by someone else-- at 12 percent.) Rather than being a substitute for interpersonal sex, more than 90 percent of survey-takers said they masturbate "whether or not I'm having other kinds of sex," with only five percent disagreeing.

How to?

"I like to masturbate by manipulating my cock this way..." was a completion question on the survey. "With a velvet touch," replied a 52-year-old Vermont man. Most respondents answered with some variation on-- as a 46-year-old Bostonian put it-- "up-and-down stroking motion." A few hinted at intriguing variations. "Twist and bend," one man gave as his technique. Two respondents said they rubbed their spit-slicked palms over their cock heads. Two preferred vibrators, and two others said cockrings were necessary accoutrement. "Rubbing against a rubber boot," was a way one respondent gets off, and rubbing his cock through his jeans while wearing no underwear was the preferred method of another.

Seventy-four percent of respondents said they liked to fondle their balls as they masturbate, 63 percent enjoy tweaking their nipples, half like to stroke their assholes, a third their abdomens, while 43 percent put something in their ass. Twelve percent say they often hold their breath as they wank, and around five percent each enjoy being tied up, doing something to themselves that tickles or something that hurts.

Some regard masturbation as a sinister pursuit, but the evidence here proves otherwise. Eighty percent of those surveyed who used one hand more than the other (92 percent said they did) were right-handed wankers, with the remainder southpaws. The survey also asked with what hand respondents wrote. People who used their right hand to masturbate overwhelmingly use that hand to write (95 percent of them). But of people who used their left hand to masturbate, 55 percent wrote with their right hand, and 45 percent with the left.

Greasing up

Circumcised respondents (72 percent of the sample) were more than four times more likely to "always" use lube. But slightly more circumcised than uncircumcised respondents "never" do. Among our sample, lubes used ran the gamut. Among comestibles, respondents mentioned eggs, honey, mayonnaise, maple syrup, flax seed oil, and corn syrup. One respondent claimed that while cod-liver oil smelled fishy, it sturdied a hard-on. Among medicinals, survey-takers mentioned Preparation H, Vick's Vapor Rub, and Ben Gay. Other masturbators strolled down the beauty-care aisle, and lubed up with suntan oil, shampoo, and hair conditioner. One extolled his own concoction of petroleum jelly, paraffin, and baby oil. Among favorite commercial lubricants were KY, Foreplay, F212, Crisco, Wet, ID, Astroglide, Albolene, Wet, and Vaseline. Four respondents preferred money-saving spit.

Masturbation is an activity that engages not just hands and cock, but the imagination, too. We queried respondents where their minds were when they jerked off. Six percent said they didn't fantasize at all, 63 percent said they think about recent sexual encounters, 48 percent mentioned past events, 42 percent think about porn stars, 33 percent said their fantasies involve persons much sexier than their usual partners, 31 percents said fantasies involve persons much younger than they are, 28 percent said they fantasize about things they would never do in real life, 24 percent reported fantasizing about their current partner, 18 percent about their first boyfriend, 14 percent, visions of Hollywood actors accompany masturbation, and 6 percent fantasize about "much older people."

We asked if respondents had ever made themselves come without touching their dick. Disqualified were those who said they had orgasms through being fucked or rubbing against a guy in the subway-- we're talking about solo sex here. Thirty-nine percent of respondents said that they had come with no hands. The vast majority of such orgasms were from guys putting their cocks into, or rubbing them against, things-- pillows, windows, streams of water, melons, etc. But others reached orgasm solely through nipple play, rubbing their legs together, tensing their muscles, reading or watching porn, enemas, playing with their balls, or putting a finger in their ass. Many mentioned wet dreams as a source of handless, solo orgasms.

Masturbation may be a frequently enjoyed activity, but it is not enjoyed for long. Ten percent of respondents finish off the job usually in under five minutes, 31 perent in five-to-ten, and another 31 percent in ten-to-20 minutes. Seven percent said they usually spend around an hour wanking, and three percent said more than that. Twenty percent of respondents said that at one time or another, they had spent two or more hours masturbating.

Masturbation and...

Masturbation allows unique freedom to do other things simultaneously. Few people have enjoyed anal intercourse while gardening, doing homework, eating a sandwich, watching TV with mom, visiting Disneyland, or walking around New York City at night. But respondents mentioned each of these as activities they've done while masturbating. Talking on the telephone to unsuspecting persons-- including mothers, fathers, an aunt, and an ex-wife-- was mentioned by six percent of respondents. A 41-year-old San Diego respondent said he waved his penis over the flame of a Zippo lighter while jerking off. "Eating shit," was the answer of a 61-year-old Providence man. Two respondents reported injecting drugs, and one taking LSD. A 45-year-old Atlantan said that while masturbating, he talked through a bathroom door to Jimmy Carter, the now former US president. (The respondent doesn't specify on which side of the door was Carter, or whether this was in the White House, where this man also says he masturbated in a bathrooom). Other activities engaged in while wanking include: sucking a dildo, chewing a dirty jockstrap, "letting a neighbor's cat lick my balls," and "sniffing male footwear and sandals."

Starting off getting off

Many consider masturbation the primary sexual outlet of the young. Sure enough, survey respondents reported lots of boyhood cock play. The questionnaire asked at what age respondents first played with their penises. Half had done so before age 11, and half afterwards. Fifteen percent reporting playing with their dicks at age five or before. Asked about age of first orgasm (wet or dry) through masturbation, half of respondents reported one before 12, and half after. Six percent reported their first orgasm at age 8 or younger, and 7 percent reported it at age 16 or older. The earliest reported orgasm in this sample is age three; the latest, 21 years.

But masturbation was enjoyed also by the oldest respondents. Of those 65 years or older (ten men in this survey, average age 71), 70 percent had masturbated to orgasm in the last day, 90 percent in the last three days, and all in the last week.

How did our respondents first discover masturbation? Slightly more than two-thirds were left to their own devices, figuring out the practice on their own. A literate four percent learned through books, and 28 percent had someone show them how. For 65 percent of those taught by others, the "teacher" was a friend. Cousins and older brothers were the fount of knowledge for 14 percent. Other masturbatory mentors mentioned were an Uncle Adam, the man next door, and a Cub Scout den master.

Slightly more than half of respondents were caught with their pants down by mothers or fathers. An enlightened 65 percent of these parents ignored the matter, with one respondent reporting parents who encouraged him. For 20 percent of those caught, their parents told them to stop. Thirteen percent were threatened with punishment (masturbating would make him impotent was the tale, noted one 39-year-old Providence, Rhode Island, man). Two percent (three respondents) reported being actually punished: by, respectively, being spanked, forcibly circumcised, and made to wear a diaper.

"At one point in my life, I felt guilty about masturbating," the survey posed. Slightly less than half of the respondents agreed with that statement. Only 15 percent said they had never felt guilt at any time over masturbating. But little of that guilt persists. Only one percent of the sample acknowledged any guilt over masturbation today, with four percent saying theywere "not sure."

Abstinence

If last century's anti-masturbation crusaders were to make a comeback in the next, they could achieve their goals by spreading disease, depression, grief, and encouraging vacations with parents. Sickness and sadness were leading causes of respondents' abstinence from masturbation. One man said he stopped pleasuring himself for two years after his lover died. Others stopped for weeks, months, or years because of religious guilt, marriage, or to test their will. One respondent said he abstained occasionally to heighten the pleasure upon resumption. But in general, the things that counter masturbation are not life-enhancing-- a negative but eloquent testament to masturbation's value. **

Author Profile:  Bill Andriette
Bill Andriette is features editor of The Guide
Email:	theguide@guidemag.com