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Ian Harris, says an article in the New Statesman, has "an uncommonly large penis." He is "so well-endowed" that it would be "physically impossible for his penis to fit in his jeans while erect."

In fairness to the British publication, it should be pointed out that its article is not mainly about Ian's big fat cock. Ian's hose is the lead for a story about London constables who spend their time arresting men for "cottaging," defined as "using a public lavatory for gay sex."

The size of Ian's meat got him, paradoxically, both arrested and freed from charges of "parading around the public lavatories at Kennington Cross in south London, with his erect member in full display. When they apprehended Harris, the officers alleged, he swiftly bundled it back in his jeans."

This brings us back to where we started: that would have been "physically impossible." Ian's dick was big, not hard, and the jury acquitted him.

Unhappi]y, evidence of his cock size was presented to the jury in a polaroid photograph, not by Ian pulling the fucking thing out of his pants.

The article was composed by Joylon Jenkins, and is superb. It makes clear that in England, as in America, no one cruises for cock more ravenously than do the sex police, and that they perjure themselves as casually in England as they do in these United States.

At a time when London, like American cities, has a high crime rate and a low budget, some cops spend an average of seven hours of "hanging around lavatories" for each "criminal" they arrest there. Two cops watched one toilet "over a period of five months for three or four days each week."

One of London's official cock cruisers is depicted as "an attractive police officer aged about 27 wearing light-colored slacks and a pale green polo shirt," who, according to one of his victims, "kept entering and leaving the lavatories. Each time he came in, he would stand at the stalls, simulating masturbation." The job requires a strong arm.

Another member of the pecker patrol is Barry Bysouth, No. AL 531, 23 years of age, who "wears a tight sports top, Levis 501 jeans, and Doc Marten boots. He is rather goodlooking, with an athletic build a tanned, olive complexion, and a swaggering gait. He has one of those fashionable wedge haircuts-- cropped at the sides and back but longer on top-- that are rare in the Metropolitan Police. He is not gay himself."

No shit.

Was it Confucius or Charlie Chan who said, "None is so gay as he who devotes his career to attacking gays"?

How was Barry chosen for the job? Would not senior officers have to cruise younger officers and exert homosexual judgment to select the toilet troops?

A timely travel tip: Angus Hamilton is a London solicitor (attorney) "who specialises in such cases."

The article was sent by an apparatus who conceals his identity even from me, signing off only as David of Norfolk, England.

Author Profile:  Boyd McDonald

Born in 1925 in South Dakota, Boyd McDonald entered Harvard as a high-school dropout after serving in the army in World War II. Jobs with Time, IBM, and several Wall Street firms preceded Boyd's career as a chronicler of gay sex. He was the founder and editor of Straight to Hell (alternatively the Manhattan Review of Cocksucking), and later published a number of anthologies of true sex histories. Boyd died in September 1993, two months after completing his final book, Scum.