Dirty Dishes	Dirty Dishes Archive

Boston's reputation as a provincial burg plagued by its Puritan past was recently reinforced when that village's cultural maven Dusty Rhodes decided to pull the plug on public performances (part of Boston's Tall Ships hoopla) of the play Shakespeare's Dog. Dusty's problem? Seems the actor playing the dog amuses the crowd by sniffing, squatting, and humping in a convincingly canine manner. Though Dusty admits to never having seen the show herself, she told the local rag, "If it's unacceptable to some, it's unacceptable to us."

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How well put (down to the regal "us")!

Dusty should consider running for office; she appears to be just the arbiter of taste that Boston deserves. Her ability to condemn shows she's not seen underscores her intuitive grasp of how expression can only be truly free as long as it is inoffensive-- offensive expression should be censored, and, thus, is not free. So simple, really.

If Dusty's artistic and media acumen indeed reflect political ambition, Dawn humbly offers a suggestion....

Throughout any city one can find real, live dogs running about, male members flapping and dangling, and ani caninii flaunted with each wag of otherwise wholesome tails. Dawn's cheeks redden to call attention to the fact that children are frequently witness to this rampant immodesty (which, at times, escalates into both public voiding of both canine bladder and bowel and a practice best described amongst persons of refinement as coitus imitatus).

Fortunately, the civic threat represented by such depravity is easily remedied: simply require appropriately modest garments for all animals kept or displayed in that fair town.

Exceptions could be made, of course, for birds (whose feathers tastefully hide their all-purpose nether anatomy) and fishes (for whom garments are unnecessary for modesty purposes and impractical, given the lack of piscine waists or shoulders to allow belts or suspenders to secure fish pants or skirts-- and how would one know which garment appropriate?).

Dawn recognizes that these ideas are not, perhaps, novel (indeed, Dawn is surprised that Boston's bath-house-closing mayor hasn't proposed such commonsense measures), but Dusty seems just the sort of person to reach, as the millennium turns, back to previous centuries for inspiration in her crusade to protect women and children from base nature. If the Almighty had only consulted her that first hectic week, maybe no one, man nor beast (and most assuredly not innocent children!), would even have an anus or genitals with which to offend others.

Whether or not Dusty decides to run for office on the modesty ticket, she is teaching our children lasting lessons about the need for appropriate intolerance of offensive ideas, the imperative of keeping the mind closed to vulgar art, and the necessity of imposing ones superior beliefs on others lacking in sufficient moral zeal. Her leadership is grooming today's youth for future positions in city (and state!) government-- and perhaps even editorships at The Boston Globe....