Dirty Dishes	Dirty Dishes Archive

Remember back when Republicans were "grooming" W to be governor of Texas? It seemed remarkable that they thought an alcoholic, cokehead party boy who'd never done a lick of honest work in his life, and seemed to have trouble reading at an adult level, could be sufficiently rehabilitated to be chief executive of a large state (even if it was Texas). But they managed to buy off (or silence-- remember, Poppy had been head of the CIA...) those who could have sunk W's family values campaign, and the Lone Star State was saddled with a governor who made Dan Quayle look bright. Then, audaciously, Big Money decided they could elect W president-- and they almost did; with a little help from Poppy's pals on the Supreme Court, the man who got half a million fewer votes than his rival was installed as the USA's CEO (now more accurately termed Emperor rather than president...). In no time at all he managed to take the country from peaceful prosperity to war and recession (but he never got an Oval Office blow job, by God!).

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Well, Dawn, living in Massachusetts, has a warning for the rest of the country: the Republicans are trotting out another colossal nitwit gubernatorial candidate with presidential ambitions. Mitt Romney, who had been shopping for an elected office in either Massachusetts or his Mormon fatherland Utah, is now the Bay State's Republican candidate. His main qualification seems to be his telegenic mug, for he, like W, has trouble with anything but the simplest syntax. His TV commercials lead with his attacks on bilingual education (shades of Willie Horton?) while promising to greatly expand services to our beloved "seniors and families," all the while slashing taxes for the wealthy (in a state already with a multi-billion dollar shortfall); even W's Dad would have to call Mitt's plan "voodoo economics."

But what really astonished Dawn was a TV spot intended to soften Mitt's image as a soulless Stepford candidate. In it, Mitt and his ever-so lovely wife Ann reminisce about their courting days. "She was just 15," Mitt tells us. "I was a senior, and she was a sophomore." On their first date, the couple piled into Mitt's ol' jalopy (the couple have a very 1950s feel about them) and headed to the school dance. "On the way home," Ann says tells the camera coyly, "we ran out of gas"-- the camera cuts to Mitt chuckling, clearly enjoying the studly-image-creating innuendo-- "really!" Ann concludes, giggling.

Dawn has been unable to ascertain what the age-of-consent was in Michigan at the time of Mitt and Ann's spooning days, but in many states it is 16, meaning that Mitt's wink-wink reassurance he's a "real man" (who arranges to run out of gas in order to have a chance at canoodling) is likely tantamount to a child rape confession. (Imagine if a gay candidate talked about dates with his 15-year-old boyfriend....)

Mitt and Ann go on to recall how he used the extra money he made as a campus security guard to surreptitiously fly from college out west back home to Michigan in order to "be with" Ann, all without parental knowledge. Never mind that a part-time campus job seems unlikely to have afforded regular transcontinental flights (Mitt's family was rich rich rich though, his Dad being governor of Michigan...), it is amazing that Mr. Family Values Clean can actually boast about diddling (who takes a four hour flight just to make popcorn and spin 45s?) his underage girlfriend without her parents knowledge in a campaign commercial!

The local rags, the Boston Globe and Boston Herald which have proven remarkably resourceful in tracking down every instance of priests doing so much as touching a teen's bottom in the last half-century, have, of course, given Mitt a pass on his televised confession of his secret amorous life with his 15-year-old girlfriend, all because he's straight and married. Again, imagine if he were gay, sneaking home from college to "be with" his 15-year-old boyfriend: he'd be arrested, his family and friends interrogated, and his "victim" rushed into counseling (to pave the way for a multi-million dollar lawsuit). But because heterosex is "normal," Mitt can nudge TV viewers in the ribs, wink about his youthful virility, and dream of becoming Emperor....