Dirty Dishes	Dirty Dishes Archive

Accused of "hazing" and "humiliating" younger teammates on the Stevenson (Illinois) High football team, two varsity players at the school were sentenced to community service, fined, and ordered to write essays on respect, reports the Chicago Sun-Times.

Lake County Judge Gary Neddenriep handed down the sentences after Alexis Holden, 17, agreed to plead guilty to four counts of disorderly conduct and Tiquion Clay, 17, pleaded guilty to one count.

They had positioned themselves during a team practice in September so that younger players' faces would strike their exposed buttocks while doing situps.

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Holden "admitted he acted without thinking," says the Sun-Times. Dawn begs to disagree: he carefully thought up a ruse that allowed him and others the butt-face contact they craved but were too chickenshit to act on without an "athletic" excuse.

Holden will serve 48 hours of community service; Clay 24 hours. Each must pay a $100 fine and court costs, write a 300-word essay on respect for other students and write letters apologizing to the victims. Both also agreed to testify against two teammates accused of battery in the hazing.

The reader who sent Dawn the above clip cogently asks: "Were the butts of Holden and Clay so unappealing that an apology must to tendered to the 'victims?' [Doubtful: 17-year-old butts are the very definition of "eating stuff," and the youths' membership on the football team suggests that their asses were neither grossly large nor repellently bony; the possibility exists, of course, that Holden and Clay suffered from some loathsome skin condition that would render their otherwise enticing buttocks unappealing.] Is 'embarrass' etymologically or aromatically derived from 'bare-ass?' [No, and there is nothing embarrassing about being bare-assed.] Must prudery command respect yet buttmeat remain concealed? [That is precisely the lesson that Judge Neddenriep sought to teach; too bad, since Holden and Clay seem to have a much better idea of what is appropriate teenage behavior than any judge or tattling teammate; what's the point of high school football if you can't enjoy some quality buttmeat?]."