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November 20, 2046
Meredith Menendez
Poli. Sci. 369
US Politics in the Noughts MIDTERM ESSAY
Prof. Hardy Boies
Dept. of Straight Studies
University of West Hollywood

How Gay Republicans Saved America

For years before the turn of the century, Gay Americans often gained from their then-marginal status a sympathy with underdogs everywhere. As a result, many gays wondered at their brethren in what was then called the Log Cabin Club. Most could not understand why a few homosexuals would fawn and scramble to attain rank in a Republican Party that put war-mongering, fundamentalism, and lock-'em-up law-and-order at the center of its platform in ways even worse than Democrats usually did.

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ovember 2006 proved those liberal critics wrong, and finally gained Gay Republicans respect around the world. Operating in the GOP both in the open and-- more importantly-- undercover, Gay Republicans showed in that famous midterm election that they should never have been underestimated.

Over the years, the Log Cabinettes had put their wood-hewing skills to work in a secret project. Despite derisive barbs and recurring splinters, they persisted in fashioning a large Trojan Horse, which they quietly wedged into Party headquarters, somewhere between the evangelical pillars and the glittery tough-on-sex-deviants chandeliers. By early fall* (see footnote) of 2006, the Horse was finally in place, and a number of Gay Republican operatives silently slithered up its backside (see Diagram 1). They lingered in the bowels of the wooden equine, waiting for the perfect moment.

Then they struck.

In the weeks leading up to the fateful ballot, longtime Gay Republicans Mark Foley and Rev. Tom Haggard suddenly sprang-- swinging and spluttering denials-- out of the Horse's mouth. Deftly working on nearly opposite sides of the US (Colorado was not yet a seaside state), they coordinated what was a devastating one-two punch. Rep. Foley's sex-laced "instant messages" with congressional pages and Rev. Haggard's meth-enhanced dalliances with a Denver-based male hustler were difficult for many Straight Americans at the time to understand. But these innocent sexual rompings were like national therapy. In the afterglow, voters crystallized feelings about the Republican leadership they didn't know had been welling up inside them.

To be sure, the right-wing drift continued for a time after Democrats assumed control of the legislative levers. As for Rep. Foley and Rev. Haggard, after their daring assaults, they slinkered off unappreciated, widely regarded as having shown at best the zealous self-sacrifice of suicide bombers.

Under legislation he had cosponsored (deftly to deflect suspicion) that imposes life-sentences for teen sex-chat, Foley spent the remainder of his days at Leavenworth Hospital for the Morally Incorrigible.

Rev. Haggard, disguised in the garb of an orthodox Jew, was nabbed at JFK in March 2009 when he failed a random Hair Spectroscopy conducted by Homeland Security during preboarding for a flight to Uruguay. Charged with Retrospective Drug Possession under Patriot Act 4, he too died in state custody.

The introduction of FantasyScanners at border crossings and toll booths in 2010 led to a majority of Americans being forced to strap on ankle bracelets after designation as Potential Sexual Predators. In the tragedy known as 1/1/11, a microwave laser unintentionally let loose by the confluence of so many Global Positioning Devices during the Rose Bowl ignited methane recovery tanks at nearby Pasadena Sewage & Light.

But in the wake of the sexual thaw that came about thanks to the 1/11/11 Commission Report-- and during the reforms of the 21st century's tumultuous teen years-- historians began reexamining the careers of Rep. Foley and Rev. Haggard, who received posthumous pardons by President Chelsea Clinton in 2021.

The revisionists argued that the two men were really "the heroes of 2006" when considered in terms of the lives they saved with a quicker-than-expected wind-down of US fighting in Iraq, and a war against Iran averted. What shards of the Constitution that now survive also is a testament, historians contend, to the work of these two men. At the feet of the Rep. and the Rev.-- or more precisely, at the former's nimble typing fingers and latter's well-plowed rectum-- could be laid credit for the US's improving worldwide reputation, which shot up with the rendition in 2013 of the former Presidents Bush to the International Criminal Court in The Hague.

Today, amateur and professional historians, along with Persons of Clergy, linger over the details-- and sometimes meet to reenact-- the afternoons in Denver, circa 2003 to 2006, during which Rev. Haggard indulged his taste for sodomy, bottoming to the muscle-bound Jones. Excerpts from Foley's chat-sessions with the teen pages became the libretto for a rock-opera composed by Pete Townshend, which flopped at its debut in 2008, but whose revival stormed stages Broadway to Beijing in 2019. That was the same year the Log Cabiners rebranded their organization "Faggard Republicans"-- an amalgam of the two men's names-- in a gesture of homage.

It wasn't perceived that way back in 2006, but historians now regard those famous sessions of anal-sex-for-pay and chatroom hand-jobs as some of the most generous, freedom-affirming homosexual acts in history.

* Before the Exxon/Mobil-sponsored "Climate Equalization Initiative," many parts of the now-uniformly balmy earth suffered sharp fluctuations in temperature throughout the year; "fall" was a "season" that heralded months of cooler weather, an inconvenience we longer have to endure.