Dirty Dishes	Dirty Dishes Archive

Remember Ted Haggard? The mega-church founder and president of the National Association of Evangelicals who, last November, was exposed as a hirer of male whores and purchaser of methamphetamine? Dawn was intrigued to read in the New York Times that the Reverend Tim Ralph "one of the four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for [Haggard] said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is 'completely heterosexual.'"

"He is completely heterosexual," said Ralph, concurring with Ted's own self-assessment. "That is something he discovered." Quite a discovery. And an odd one to put off until age 50.

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Dawn must agree with the whore who ratted Haggard out who noted, after hearing of the preacher's newly proclaimed hetero-ness, that it remains difficult for him (the whore) to think of the man who avidly sucked his penis as straight.

Perhaps as Mr. Haggard takes some time off (reportedly to pursue a degree in psychology), he will find a way to reinvent himself so as to have his cock and eat it, too; come back as an ex-ex-gay who, for the appropriate love offering, will help other twisted sisters conquer the debilitating middle-class pretensions that keep their lips off the dick they desire. Many, many guys would pay a lot of money to get the green light to suck dick.

Readers who share Dawn's fascination with the sexual depravities of the Christian Right, will want to check out the HBO documentary Friends of God: A Road Trip With Alexandra Pelosi. There's much to be horrified and repulsed by, but much of the creepiest footage is of Haggard himself, shot just weeks before his long fall from grace (ultimately, of course, Eve's fault).

Hanging with two of his sycophantic church buds, Ted boasts that Christian men have "sexual intercourse" with their wives daily. Surveying the buds on camera, he determines that that might be an underestimate. And all three men confirm that they make their wives "climax" each and every time-- grown men strutting like junior high boys, their excessive bravado belying their absurd claims. And throughout, Ted-- with his floppy, oversized cocksucker lips-- seems, well, faggy, even as he boasts of constantly tapping his nowhere-to-be-seen wife's pussy (presumably) for a national audience.

But what actually disturbed Dawn the most in FOG was Haggard's repeated equation of his role as preacher to that of a Madison Avenue huckster: winning souls for Christ from the Devil is explicitly compared to the battle between Coke and Pepsi for the loyalties of cola quaffers. Later, toothpaste brands stand in for the universal forces of good and evil. Only minutes go by before Chevy and Ford are cast in the lead roles. (Haggard, no doubt not looking to alienate any potential sponsors, never notes which cola, toothpaste, or truck gets to be Jesus and which has to play Satan....) Dawn is not shocked that a money-grubbing preacher would so pervert Jesus's message of love and tolerance in order to enrich himself-- an oft-told story to be filed under "Dog bites man." No, what appalls Dawn is how many folks are so ready to buy and swallow such obviously concocted snake oil from such a Homo Gantry.

If the psychology classes don't work out Ted, give Karl Rove a call-- he can always use a guy with your talents.